Not appreciated

What should I do, Lord?! I'm really tired of all these negative remarks & I felt so tired working. I even sacrificed my break time to do e work & I'm being said that I'm slow. I can't even stay back to do my work. I used to stay back but not now as I've to study. Sometimes I don't feel appreciated. I've a poor memory. I tend to forget stuff but I still finish my work. What more, y don't u tell me personally? Do u have to pass e msg through someone? I really felt like giving up. There is this negative thought that keep bugging me. I'm so scared, Lord! Pls walk w me wherever I go. Thank God, for no reason they didn't give me any nap duties. But still how to get my work done in 2 hrs when there is so many of them? That includes my break time. Main teachers get to go for break & yet able to sit & chit-chat while doing their work. I'm always e anti-social bcos of e amount of work I've to rush out. Sick of this. If I really want, I'll really break e bond & find other job to do. Well w all these, what can I do? Just leave everything to God. Only He knows everything. He is my avenger.

God is great!

These two day was great. Having half day leave really help relax myself after that incident. God is great! Well, spending time with God was worth it and He sure gives us situation whereby we will grow spiritually. I'm still having problem with her but at least I'm putting everything to God and trying my best to ignore the frustration. It's really stressful when you have to go through all these when exam is on next Monday! I've been procrastinating! I need to start studying the format after my presentation tomorrow. Ok! Ciaos!

God spoke

Today I talked to God, I asked God to come and fill me. I told Him that I felt empty and that the feeling was scary. I was so desperate for His presence and then suddenly a vision came into mind. I don't know what does it mean and I'm not sure whether was it from God. But I don't want to doubt, because if it's real, I will be doubting God. He showed me an umbrella descending from above. It was a short and simple one and it just ends like this. I don't understand what does it mean. So I asked God to tell me if it's really from Him, if it's not let me forget about it. It was great to spend time with God. In the morning, Pastor Eugene Tan opened up the altar for those who need faith in our storm. I responded and God gave me Psalm 91 through the ministry personnel. I really felt that God is there for me and Mark 4:35-41 spoke to me many times. Currently David club's curriculum is teaching these verses to the children and Pastor preached about these verses too. Previously it was also my devotion for last month. God talked to me a lot today, in fact I felt that I've opened up to Him much more today. I have been planning of praying at my centre before starting my work and have not started it due to laziness. Oops! But today the ministry personnel said to pray before I start my work everyday and things will change. I have not been praying for lots of things recently. I have been lazing around for too long. Well, got to be obedient and be an extreme disciple of God!

In agony

What do you want from me?! I really hate to work with you. Why are you making everything so difficult? You are stressed up? Then I'm not stress ah? I'm a human too for goodness sake! Everyone has stress, it just depends on how you handle it please! What more I have a Dip course and I'm studying for O level English. This kind of thing you also can complain to the supervisor. Really speechless. What's wrong with you? I already told you that we have spelling to send out and then think about the boy's costume right? It's not like I have nothing to do you know?! What more I even sacrificed my break to do work, HELLO!! Sacrificed my break means 2 hours to do work also not enough, DO YOU KNOW THAT?!?! The planet does not rotate for you only! What more it's not related to me eh.

Ok God is with me. When I was contemplating whether to tell my parents and let them know what I'm going through. I asked the LORD. Immediately He sent my daddy back and I let him know. God has been wanting me to tell others about my problems. But the problem with me is that I find it difficult to tell others. I don't know how to tell others too. Sometimes I'm really scared that I may go into depression because of all this. I felt bad that I cried like nobody business and my parents felt the agony I have and was very worried and sad about it. Let me end here so that I can go and talk to God.

I want to be a cheerful person.

There are so many things in my mind that I want to say, but I don't feel safe saying out in social medias. Need to find someone to confide in but yet felt like no one is there to help me. Talk to God is the first priority and then find someone to talk to. There are some stuff that I can't share here and I need someone to hear what I want to say. Just to let it out.
These few days have been feeling moody. Why do you have to claim credit when it's not even you? It was me who did it and yet you didn't even let people know it's not you when others misunderstood. It's not about being known, it's just your behavior that surprised me. You even "pushed" me away when I was standing in front of the chair. Don't you feel embarrass when someone is there and you just walked in front of her? Just because you want to be IN the group so you want to push me aside? I don't know what happened to you seriously. That day we didn't even set a time to meet and you said we are meeting. It felt like I'm the one at fault but actually you are the one making it worse. What's your problem?!
I want someone who can appreciate me.

Just want to cry

Just want to cry right now. For everything. Seriously.

Hello everyone!

Wow! I have not been blogging for 5 months. So many things had happened. We went to the zoo already and everyone was very happy. Thank God for that. Well, I have been enrolled in Early childhood care Education course. It's been almost 4 months in it, leaving me with 2 years and 8 months more. Can you imagine how tough it is to work in the morning and go for night classes every Mon, Wed and Fri? On top of that I still have church stuff and the worse: TUITION on Sun evening. But thank God I still have my own free time where I can relax myself. Recently just celebrated my 21st birthday. Thanking God for even able to celebrate it. Received lots of present, but that is not the main point. It's a blessing to be able to receive God's blessing. He had used the people around me to show me His love and His protection is incredible. I wish this year will end in a blink of eye. This year is really tiring and tough. I can't wait for Christmas! It means everything.
God has blessed me so much that my Thanks for Him is not enough. The only way I can constantly thanks Him is through serving Him forever. I have 2 increments and bonus for my pay and because company is not going to grant us off in-lieu, we have a pay increase. Isn't that wonderful? But honestly, I rather have holidays than the pay. Anyway, God has His plan so will just stick to it.

Lord I surrender all

Felt disappointed that my sis don't appreciate what I did for her. I am planning for our family outing to the zoo. At first I wanted it on sat because it's the day where most of us can make it but I didn't realize that my 2 younger sis got church. So we decided to change to a weekday. Daddy definitely doesn't want to take leave. Both the younger sis got to go during school holiday. I just have to take leave and wait for it to be approved. But the third sis said that I'm selfish because I take into consideration for everyone except hers. How on earth would I know her friend's 18th birthday will fall on that day that I chose for everyone. It was so perfect. Both of them are on holiday and Daddy is having his off day. I just have to take leave. What more it's in December, which is a very difficult month to take leave. When I told her to change to another day to celebrate for her separately, she said that she might not have time and by the time it will be next year. Well, if that's the case then let's change it. But she said she don't want to go, and I'm the one who is forcing her to go, and I'm being selfish. Daddy said he didn't got the chance to go to zoo and it's a family outing. But now she said I'm selfish? Who is the one being selfish? I tried to accommodate her but she doesn't want to cooperate. We quarreled until I nearly want to hit her. But thank God, His Holy Spirit stopped me from hurting each other. Thank God I went into my room and calm down. Sometimes being the eldest is the most difficult role. At least God knows my intention. Even if she don't understand me and kept thinking that I'm being selfish, I will just let God handle the situation. This year really got no more strength to fight for this kind of things. I'm tired too. No point getting angry and letting people know that you are suffering. Lord, I surrender all to You.

Thoughts

Happy Valentine's Day, anyone who read my post or blog! Today I received 4 gifts from my last's year children. Saw Dao Jun, Jovan, Joseph and Yuan Hao. Their presence is already a present. Thank God for the making me happy!

Felt so happy to see my last year's K2 children. So far I had already seen Claire, Angeline, Joseph, Dao Jun, Jovan, Yuan Hao, Regene, Rayden and Wei Kai. Both Regene and Dao Jun always come to the centre and look for me. Jovan always run away from me. Haha! Caleb's father told me that Caleb actually took the photo of him and I as a treasure, always looking at it. HAHA! So cute! Even though they might be a handful but they are still very adorable. What more it's my first class. I really miss them so much.

This year's batch is much more easier but not that fun. Maybe I haven't know them well enough. I love my special needs' children. They are lovable and interesting. How I hope next year I can get to attach to K1 class. I love that class. But don't think I will be in that class next year as I'm going for my course soon. But it might change like this year all of us thought that I will be in T class, but my manager wants me to stay in K2. The stress is so big, but thank God for His grace, my manager treats me better this year.

I have some dreams after I get my diploma, if it's possible, I want to try teaching in primary school. That will be interesting as you can join a CCA as a teacher. But the stress will be even bigger. Well, one step at a time. If God wants me where, I will go as long as my mission, which is also God's mission, is accomplish.

So long didn't post such a long post. This few months is a lonely month. Though I might felt lonely, I am not alone. I know God's presence is with me. I felt disconnected with the world even though I still socialized. It's been a while since I visit the beach. I really wish I could go to the beach alone and with no one around. Just me enjoying the breeze and the calming sound of the sea. It will be perfect if I go there during dawn, but it's impossible unless I stay near there.

Chest pain

During Friday afternoon morning tea break, suddenly my chest is so painful that I find it difficult to continue working. I nearly wanted to tell my manager that, but it stop after one minute or so. This has already occurred ever since after I had my spine operation. I didn't tell my mother and I didn't plan to tell her too. If I tell her, she will say too heaty and I always eat junk food. So I only tell my father, he said go see doctor. Well, I hope it's nothing big just that the weather is very hot.