DEMORALISED!!

ytd we was told to do an evaluation form which is some kind of feedbacks for e staff working dere..
den in e comments part I wrote down I was lost & confused e 1st wk..
& I hope that dey will have some kind of introduction to tell us what will happened after report taking..
so e students can unds what dey can do & mayb start their work wif e SN & EN..
after a few hrs ltr..
one of e lecturer came & talked to mi..
she said she wanna put mi in e morning shift..
bcos she wants e CI & another lecturer to observe mi..
I was like ???..
y suddenly like this..??
y mi & not e others..??
but of cos I didn't said that to her..
den she pull to a room & started to give mi a lecture..!!
which is scolding plus demoralising mi..!!
this is a summary of what she said to mi:
"everytime u mux find sth to do..
nth to do also mux find sth..
sure will have sth to do..
if not go c whether ur frens need help or not..
i dun wanna c u doing nth..
if u still cont. to have this kind of behaviour I will fail u..
if i fail u for ur first posting means u're not ready .. not suitable or not capable..
& if e next posting which is e medical posting u still behave like this dey will sure gonna fail u..
so u better dun have this kind of behaviour anymore.."
mayb for e find sth to do part I really mux go ask e SN for sth to do..
but I when I'm doing sth she is not dere..
when I'm not doing sth she is dere..
it's not like I'm slacking or what..
I really have find sth to do alr..
dey dun even noe how glad I am when I have things to do..
even my frens r resting I dun even dare to follow dem to rest..
den after scolding everybody noes that I went back crying except for e staff..
I cried twice man..
den I went to find sth to do which I find it diff bcos it's e afternoon shift..
so I went to read e case notes which e other lecturer said he want mi to tell him one "story" after reading e case notes..
den so heng e lecturer who scolded mi came back..
she asked mi, "what r u doing here..??ur senior is doing sth..y r u still here..??"
ok this one nvm..
I went to find my senior c whether she needs any help or not..
but when I found her she was partnering wif another senior..
so what she want mi to do..??
loiter around..??
I'm really confused by what she wants mi to do lohx..
den got one thing I also v. unhappy abt it..
e CI said if I'm in team 1 I better stick wif those 2 cubicles of team 1..
try not to wander around other team's cubicles..
let e team members who r in charge of it do..
but e lecturer who scolded mi said I should go help my frens when I have nth to do..
is like..what u'll actually want mi to do..??
pls lohx..
say I should communicate more wif everybody..
I think dey r e ones who should really communicate wif each other..
is like dere is some communication break down btw e lecturers & e CI..
some more e lecturer still said, "I can't b possibly teaching u how to communicate.."
what rubbish is that..??
even e engineering students have comm. skills module..!!
y can't nurses have it to..??
I think e nurses need it more..!!
some more I'm more to e shy type..
(ppl who noes mi dun give comment ahrx..hahax..)
dey mux give mi time to warm up..
everything needs to warm up..
excercises..food that is cold..strangers in fact..!!
I'm ok if I really did wrong & dey comment abt it..
but e way e lecturer talked to mi is alr demoralising mi..!!
suicide even came to my mind..
but I will nv eva do that..
it is a greatly sin..
even thinking abt it is a sin..
dey make mi cry so much..
today i really cnt take it anymore I consult my mother..
I cried from 1 full box until e box is almost empty & I still feel like crying..
dey make mi feel so useless..
I'm so disappointed & e respect I have given dem is not worthy for mi to give anymore..
y can e authority always "talk" to us & didn't ask us what our probs really r..??
I thgt e lecturers r dere to help us & not to demoralise us..??
even my frens felt so unfair..
if I can quit sch now b4 2nd sem start I will quit it straight away..
even though I love my classmates so much & I will surely miss dem loads..!!
i really wanna stay in this sch wif my frens for 3 yrs..
but I dun think I really can endure anymore..
after I quit I have plans..
if I cnt quit sch now den I will finish my whole yr w/o e EOY attachment..
but I noe no matter what I'm gg through now dere is a purpose for..
God surely will have a purpose for mi..
I'm quite glad that I've gone through this stage at this point of time..
so I can noe what e outside world is abt..
during this attachment I really learn a lot..
dere is too many characters in this world..
thx to Heidi who have console mi when i really need to say out..
I feel like consulting a counsellor soon..
I doesn't wanna go into a depression mode..