Numb

Why does human have to be so harsh to one another? Why can't people be more willing to understand others? Why do some have to be so direct in their words to hurt others. Why they only think about that is their personality but never thought what would have cause the person to feel? Once you have authority, you can do what you want? Is that how you role model to the next generation? Why do we have to live like this? Why are we thinking more of ourselves than God? Why can't I humble myself before the Lord? Do it for the Lord to see and not others.

God! I need Your help. I have already grew numb, I have already built up walls in my heart to fend out people from my life. I have been so scared to allow others to come into my life that once I felt that I am a bit close to one person, I start to back off. Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I have to torture myself? Why do I simply like to be alone and not be near anyone? Why do I enjoy being alone but fear of loneliness? I know it is wrong to think and act like that. The worse thing is that I do not even feel the pain, do not have any feelings. Lord, only in you I can find true meaning of life. I'm desperate for You, Lord. I'm sorry Lord, but sometimes I really wish I could get to see You soon. But I do not want to leave this world without doing something for You. I wish I could find my 12 and they will be able to find their 12.

Lord, help me to have compassion for Your people and not think of myself. Help me to love & serve You wholeheartedly. Help me to love others even though they have hurt me. Soften my heart and make it pure. Help me to grow up each day to be more like You, Lord!

Did I shut people out on purpose?

Did I shut people out on purpose? Or it is just some reaction to protect myself from sadness. Think I'm too engross in that, that's why I only have those casual friends. My best friend could have thought that I'm too bored to talk to. Or maybe I treat them as best friend but they do not treat me the same. Overly self-protection has lead me to disaster.

Prayer changes things

Pastor Tai Tong told us to pray at least 10 mins in the morning before we actually start work. Tried it out yesterday and today and I already felt the difference. Yesterday I was super upset with this colleague of mine. Almost bursting and was controlling my tears from flowing down. I went to do some stuff to cool down and distract myself from the bad situation. Suddenly God speak to me alone in the office, he told me to submit to her. When I listened to the Holy Spirit, my heart was instantly calm. Today, prayed again and was perfectly alright with her. Indeed prayer changes things.

Since Sunday I have been having this pain that I think is migraine. It did not stay long but it comes back during evening. Today I experienced palpitations. I was quite worried and google about any illness that has symptoms related to both of this. Results were not good enough for my knowledge. Some stuff are irrelevant. Not sure is it due to stress or magnesium deficiency. I hope it is either one of these and not other major illnesses that could be life-threatening.

Going back to revise for tomorrow's exam! Super distracted and I am left with a few more hours to revise. Think it is time to take a rest and relax.

Spending time with God

Tuesday was my centre's annual photography session. I purposely woke up super early like 1 hour more than my usual to doll up myself. My mum asked me what is the special occasion. In school, children stared at me like they do not know me. My toddlers said my eyes are so black! K1 children asked about my make up, asking did I painted it. Haha! 1 nursery child commented on my hair, "In the morning, your golden hair is very pretty."

My spirit was awaken by God that day. I am willing to wake up so early to doll up myself but when it comes to spending more time in the morning with God, I am so reluctant. I felt so bad as it reflects how I treat God. During cell that day, my spirit felt afresh, it was like my spirit was dying and suddenly revive! The feeling was very good. The Holy Spirit motivates me to spend at least half an hour with God every morning. Until now, I have not done so as I was too tired. Though that is an excuse, but I am not very convicted. I should start forcing myself by setting my alarms to half an hour earlier.

These few days, my spirit has been feeling very dry. I felt that I am very rebellious towards one of my colleague. My tolerance level towards her is reaching the max. Really worry that I will burst out one day. In need of God's help desperately. The sight of her tense me up, once she is gone, I am so relieve. Talked to supervisor about her and she advised me some stuff. Thank God I have such a supportive supervisor and manager.

I am going to love her and show her God's love. I am going to show her the power of God's strength. I want her to see Jesus in me. I want her to know that in God, we can do all things that are impossible. Even though I am super angry with her, I am going to surrender the anger to God.

Not appreciated

What should I do, Lord?! I'm really tired of all these negative remarks & I felt so tired working. I even sacrificed my break time to do e work & I'm being said that I'm slow. I can't even stay back to do my work. I used to stay back but not now as I've to study. Sometimes I don't feel appreciated. I've a poor memory. I tend to forget stuff but I still finish my work. What more, y don't u tell me personally? Do u have to pass e msg through someone? I really felt like giving up. There is this negative thought that keep bugging me. I'm so scared, Lord! Pls walk w me wherever I go. Thank God, for no reason they didn't give me any nap duties. But still how to get my work done in 2 hrs when there is so many of them? That includes my break time. Main teachers get to go for break & yet able to sit & chit-chat while doing their work. I'm always e anti-social bcos of e amount of work I've to rush out. Sick of this. If I really want, I'll really break e bond & find other job to do. Well w all these, what can I do? Just leave everything to God. Only He knows everything. He is my avenger.

God is great!

These two day was great. Having half day leave really help relax myself after that incident. God is great! Well, spending time with God was worth it and He sure gives us situation whereby we will grow spiritually. I'm still having problem with her but at least I'm putting everything to God and trying my best to ignore the frustration. It's really stressful when you have to go through all these when exam is on next Monday! I've been procrastinating! I need to start studying the format after my presentation tomorrow. Ok! Ciaos!

God spoke

Today I talked to God, I asked God to come and fill me. I told Him that I felt empty and that the feeling was scary. I was so desperate for His presence and then suddenly a vision came into mind. I don't know what does it mean and I'm not sure whether was it from God. But I don't want to doubt, because if it's real, I will be doubting God. He showed me an umbrella descending from above. It was a short and simple one and it just ends like this. I don't understand what does it mean. So I asked God to tell me if it's really from Him, if it's not let me forget about it. It was great to spend time with God. In the morning, Pastor Eugene Tan opened up the altar for those who need faith in our storm. I responded and God gave me Psalm 91 through the ministry personnel. I really felt that God is there for me and Mark 4:35-41 spoke to me many times. Currently David club's curriculum is teaching these verses to the children and Pastor preached about these verses too. Previously it was also my devotion for last month. God talked to me a lot today, in fact I felt that I've opened up to Him much more today. I have been planning of praying at my centre before starting my work and have not started it due to laziness. Oops! But today the ministry personnel said to pray before I start my work everyday and things will change. I have not been praying for lots of things recently. I have been lazing around for too long. Well, got to be obedient and be an extreme disciple of God!

In agony

What do you want from me?! I really hate to work with you. Why are you making everything so difficult? You are stressed up? Then I'm not stress ah? I'm a human too for goodness sake! Everyone has stress, it just depends on how you handle it please! What more I have a Dip course and I'm studying for O level English. This kind of thing you also can complain to the supervisor. Really speechless. What's wrong with you? I already told you that we have spelling to send out and then think about the boy's costume right? It's not like I have nothing to do you know?! What more I even sacrificed my break to do work, HELLO!! Sacrificed my break means 2 hours to do work also not enough, DO YOU KNOW THAT?!?! The planet does not rotate for you only! What more it's not related to me eh.

Ok God is with me. When I was contemplating whether to tell my parents and let them know what I'm going through. I asked the LORD. Immediately He sent my daddy back and I let him know. God has been wanting me to tell others about my problems. But the problem with me is that I find it difficult to tell others. I don't know how to tell others too. Sometimes I'm really scared that I may go into depression because of all this. I felt bad that I cried like nobody business and my parents felt the agony I have and was very worried and sad about it. Let me end here so that I can go and talk to God.

I want to be a cheerful person.

There are so many things in my mind that I want to say, but I don't feel safe saying out in social medias. Need to find someone to confide in but yet felt like no one is there to help me. Talk to God is the first priority and then find someone to talk to. There are some stuff that I can't share here and I need someone to hear what I want to say. Just to let it out.
These few days have been feeling moody. Why do you have to claim credit when it's not even you? It was me who did it and yet you didn't even let people know it's not you when others misunderstood. It's not about being known, it's just your behavior that surprised me. You even "pushed" me away when I was standing in front of the chair. Don't you feel embarrass when someone is there and you just walked in front of her? Just because you want to be IN the group so you want to push me aside? I don't know what happened to you seriously. That day we didn't even set a time to meet and you said we are meeting. It felt like I'm the one at fault but actually you are the one making it worse. What's your problem?!
I want someone who can appreciate me.

Just want to cry

Just want to cry right now. For everything. Seriously.