At 2009, I was enrolled into nursing school at NYP. I was quite sure that it was from God that He wanted me to be in this career path. I was contented with my friends and everything except ATTACHMENT!! For some reason, which I find it hard to explain here, makes me hate attachment to the max. In addition, I don't really like nursing. I like what I learned as in the education is v. useful for me but I just can't handle the stress during attachment. People might say every job has their own stress. Yes! I agree but I really can't handle nursing's stress. It's about human life! I must go to work always with a alert mind. Plus nurses have to think fast and act fast.
I know I'm somehow giving excuses. Because I'm supposed to believe in God that He will always guide me through the way. No matter what, He place me there because of a reason, so I should have persevere on. God led me to many encouraging words that time when I was struggling with my course. But I was too stubborn, kept insisting on my way. I was trying my best but on that day when I've decided to quit (also the day I cried like somebody just died), I actually felt a sense of relieved. I was somehow happy about it, but that was a CARNAL DECISION! I did talked to God but I still insist on my way.
God punishes me. I applied for a seat in SEED institute for my diploma in early childhood education, but they rejected me saying they were unable to process my application. I was sad because it was a v. good opportunity and there was a government spur of 90%. I was quite lost that time when suddenly there is nothing I can do in my life. But who knows, I met aunty Winnie, and she told me that actually I can just apply at TOUCH childcare for a job. So I tried.
Last week sermon was about making carnal decision. Our decision determines our future. Our decisions carries consequences. Whenever we are stuck at making decision, don't look at how big the problem is look at how big God is. I guess this is also God trying to tell me something. I have asked God to take away my indecisive spirit. I thought why so long and God hasn't answer me. But God had already answered me. He want me to always depend on Him and to know that whatever I choose that leads to the circumstances. No matter good or bad, He will be there for me to help me through. I think it's quite difficult for others to understand but I today I'm being assured that God is a God of second chance. He is my EVERYTHING!
Today when I went for cell, we were all sharing about how carnal decision affect us and everything. Then Pastor Pui Leng suddenly said she felt a need to pray for me. When they prayed for me, I cried so hard that I was catching my breath. I was trying to hold back my tears but I can't. The tears just came down like rain. I was happy and touched that after much struggling on my own, somebody said to pray for me. Nobody ever know that actually I'm quietly struggling. But today I'm set free from all those guilt and burden that I once felt. I'm going to live my life fulfilling in God's plan! I'm going to try my best to hang to all my struggles and believe that God is always with me.
How can we avoid making carnal decision?:
1) Walk by Faith and Not by Sight.
2) Focus on the Spiritual more than the Physical.
3) Think long-term and not short-term.
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